The French Connection

The story goes like this. Once upon a time there were two friends named Vijay and Pavan, who shared a common interest in learning French language(or should I say for reasons unfolded in this post). So, they embarked on a mission to master the language(with excitement level comparable to that of my first day in BTech). Based on already experienced French scholar Priyatham's rather prejudiced inputs on French ma'am( though it was hard for him to accept her as his mentor, which made their expectations sky rocket), they enrolled for the course without any second thoughts.
1st Day : These two, brimming with anticipation, expectations were waiting for the French ma'am. The class was reverberating with introductory sentences like "Je m'appele .......", bonjour! etc, but these two carried a rather dejected look on their faces for the whole duration. The reasons, firstly the instructor turned out to be a male and secondly, they realized how bad Priyatham's taste was, when ma'am walked in the middle of the class. But on the whole it was a fun filled two months experience of French.
After the successful completion of the course the certificates were due. Vijay requested Pavan to take his certificate on his behalf, for which Pavan obeyed diligently. After one month of reminders and rather pleading requests from Vijay, Pavan the lazy ass he is, brings the certificate to office to hand it over to Vijay. With a sense of an achievement in doing so, he shoots the following mail :

From: Pavan Kumar Vankamamidi
Sent: Friday, August 08, 2008 12:21 PM
To: Vijay Kumar Reddy Chenreddy
Subject: french certificate

Dear Vijay,
I request you, on behalf of I.D.F.A., to collect your French Level 1 certificate from the bench cubicle on the second floor of Building 19. In case, you are unable to collect it today, I regret to inform you that it will firstly be peed upon, then shredded to 1mm sized pieces, set on fire and the ashes will again be peed upon.
So, make sure that you will collect it before 5:00 pm today. Hope you had a good time learning the language.

Regards,
V. Pavan Kumar

for which Vijay responded as follows:

From: Vijay Kumar Reddy Chenreddy
Sent: Friday, August 08, 2008 1:55 PM
To: Pavan Kumar Vankamamidi
Subject: RE: french certificate

Dear Pavan,
I appreciate your concern regarding my certificate and would make it a point to collect it. But I want to remind you of one thing, before you go ahead with your peeing process. ‘PEEING IN PUBLIC PLACES IS STRICTLY PROHIBITED, NON COMPLIANCE WOULD ATTRACT WHIPPING ON YOUR ASS IN THE OPEN AIR THEATRE. To add to the excitement folks from the company will gather to clap and cheer the whipper. At the end of the event Pavan already an Asshole, would be Pavan with a swelling ASS with a hole.

Thanks and Regards,
Whipper Vijay.

To which he responds :

From: Pavan Kumar Vankamamidi
Sent: Friday, August 08, 2008 1:56 PM
To: Vijay Kumar Reddy Chenreddy
Subject: RE: french certificate

Whipper Vijay…. Roflol… hahahahahaha… that fucking rhymes…

The whole episode was quite funny one and I thought it was worth replicating here, so that I can have a laugh whenever I open my blog. Pavan is now embarking on a new journey with Mormons and here's wishing him "all the best, be the same asshole as you always were".

My Email-Id reads vijay9reddy@gmail.com

So I give me email-id to people for various reasons, like keeping in touch, receiving interesting forwards (off late this is the most prominent reason, why, I share my Id with people, because I am absolutely jobless), registering into websites( although I hate this part) etc. I don’t think I can add anymore to that list and I doubt the use of ‘etc’ here.

I still wonder how I can win millions every fortnight, at times diamonds, gold, cars, Air tickets to exotic places and what not. I mean seriously, how can they think people would be so dumb to believe them, although my worry is, where do they get my id from. I know Catchy Subject lines are important to attract people but at least come up with some thing realistic, funny or interesting. If it is not millions, I get to see nude pictures of celebrities or get to sleep with some ABC (hope this is true but it takes me to some website of which I couldn’t careless) and somehow they all manage to deceive my Gmail filter.

Speaking of Catchy Subject Lines reminds of one line, which goes like this “Get into Mallika’s Pants” with a picture of Mallika Sherawat oozing oomph as always. Although clicking on the link, will surely doesn’t give you the license to get into Mallika’s Pants (Don’t ask me the procedure to apply for this particular license, I am not aware of it and even if I knew it, I wouldn’t be here typing this crap in the first place) at least it’s curious and funny enough to read. So, I request all spammers to come up with tag lines which are seductive, curious, oozes oomph (picked it up from some celebrity’s picture tag line) and makes everyone to crave for it.

My primary purpose of posting was to question, why people always question me on the ‘9’ that I have in my email id, when I share my id with them but I felt speaking about spam is more interesting that an e-mail id and I am sure you agree with me. At least some would agree with me.

BTW I am paid to be jobless which translates to “On Bench” (Although I wonder why they call it so, since I am always on Chair. May be, to differentiate from people who actually are into so called “project”. Heard even my company is in search of a catchy tag line for people who are on bench and they are considering “Talent Pool” as an option. I totally disagree with them and try my level best to push forward my idea which is “On Mallika’s Lap”) in the IT industry lingo. Coming to ‘9’ in my email id, there is no particular reason as such. In those days, when I was completely ignorant about creating an email-id, I naturally took my sister’s assistance. My sister’s email id carries a ‘9’ in it, so you can guess where it came from.

You can imagine how jobless and bored I am, after reading my post. It even pushed me to an extent, where, it forced me to blog after a real long break. Now I got to sign off, since Rakhi Sawant’s Showz is calling me.

If at all "THEY can THINK"

Well it's been quite a long break and the break is so long that even watching an Airtel ad all this time is getting bored I suppose. Ok now getting in to the topic I had this weird idea of what would these "non-living things" think of us if at all they are given an oppurtunity. The root of this weird idea was the brush I was using on one fine day. So here I list down some of the so called "non-living things" but let me make it clear they have brains and they can think until the end of this post. This is what they got to say when I asked them or rather when I ragged them to introduce themselves

Tooth Brush:
I would be one of the favourite to win the "First unluckiest person of the day" award to be tortured by human with a tough competition from Bed Coffee and t****t( I think you can get it). Daddu's shop was a better place to live with all my brothers close to me but right here I am forced to stay with my bitter enemy the "Tooth Paste" and I consider it to be my enemy since it is assisting this human to torture me in the early hours of the day. ( This sentence assumes that I buy my brush in Daddu's shop :) )

Clothes :
I start the day thinking that I am one of the luckiest to get on this body and I have a valid reason to think so. The only reason is that I can meet my freind "Deodoront" in the early hours of the day. As the day proceeds you can see the smile fading away from my face and I have valid reasons for that too. Firstly the bitter experience of bidding farewell to my friend as the day progresses and secondly I am forced to stay with this stinking "Sweat" after my friend leaves me. ( Now God knows what the undergarments think of humans. It would have been interesting to rag them too but I couldn't find them out. When I enquired clothes about undergarments they say they are hiding :) )


My Footwear:
I am the guy who has to bare the weight of this human and my above mentioned friend all day. As if this isn't enough I don't understand why the hell the other idiots throw the used chewing gums were ever they like and why this bloody idiot stamps on it to make things worse for me. I am the ultimate sufferer [:( ]. Despite my freind "Dustbin's" heavy advertising with tags like "USE ME" ( I write this with my Capslock glowing since this was a special request from Dustbin ) and "Keep the City Clean" things are not working the way we want them to. Now I need to advice my freind to reduce his costs on advertising and spend that in a constructive way as these humans will never learn how to use a Dustbin.


Newpapers and Magazines :

Poor me I am forced to wake up early in the morning which I hate to do and have to travel a lot. The only positive thing is that I go places but my happiness stays on only when I end up in the hands of readers like "Vijay" who don't squeeze me from the beginning letter that I carry till the end unlike readers like "Deepu". ( Deepu really man on the other day I saw newpapers fighting among themselves not to get into any of the rooms of "A wing" and the sole reason is that they are scared of you. Here's one more interesting thing man on the same day when we were shopping in CrossWord one of the magazine bribed me to divert your attention away from that. You remember or not from that moment I started giving you wrong feedback on that magazine to divert your attention and to accomplish my duty:) )

In the end I asked my bed to introduce itself

My Bed:
I have to toil all night and I am forced to work for extra hours during holidays for which I am not paid extra. Anyway the positive thing is that now I have a lesser weight to carry i.e Vijay instead of Vijay's predecessor :) but the negative thing with Vijay is that at times I am forced to carry those stinking clothes too :(

So thats it for todays post guys and girls(If at all you happen to read this crap) and the only positive thing for me is that I can see my bed smiling for me to come and take my place... One more thing before ending Abraka Dhabra: "Now all the things are converted back to Non-living things( now they can't think :) ) Cheers....

Starting with my "NAME"

Ok Guys after going through many blogs I felt like expressing my self which opens up an oppurtunity for me to start a Blog of my own. So this is how it goes starting with a tale of my lenghty NAME.

On the other day while browsing through www.answers.com I noticed the tag the website carries for it self "the world's greatest encyclodictionalmanacapedia". I think the website would like to lengthen the final word of the tag in the future, of course with extra features added to it would be preferable but Guys to tell you I don't fancy in having a long name. Ohh forgot to mention my Peter Crouch like(in height) name goes like this "Chenreddy Vijay Kumar Reddy".

First word comes from my ancestors which I hate to be addressed with but unfortunately I am staying in a place where people are addressed with there forname. You know what people even my ID card in the college carries my forename which was not the case previously. One strong reason for my aversion to the forename is the way people pronounce it. They spell it in such an awkward manner that I have to rush myself to respond to the addendance call before the other person start reading out my name, making life simpler for him as well as me. The bottom line is never address me with my forename, if you don't heed to my request I will play for you that disgusting "HDFC Life Insurance advertisement" which will definitely serve as a punishment. If that doesn't pay off you will force me to use even more embarrassing Doordarshan advertisements.

Enough of my forename, there's some thing to tell you about the second word of my name. The long name in itself was a big headache and as if this wasn't enough my name used to spell "Vijaya" instead of "Vijay" till my tenth standard just because of a silly spelling mistake by my uncle in my childhood. Thank god I got rid of that additional "a" in my tenth class with an application to alter my name, if not things would have been embarrassing. May be having an additional "a" would have increased my Visitors hitlist in Orkut or it would have increased my scraps list with the message "Hai, wanna be frnds" before the other person realizes that I am a male.

Coming to "Kumar" It's a mistery which is eluding me as well as my parents why there's a Kumar in my name. When I inquire my parents abt it they say that it was added just like that. JUST LIKE THAT.... Oh God consider my pain of writing the whole name where ever required and I have to do this n number of times in my life. My desperation to get rid of this kumar forced me to put my shoulder to the wheel which eventually failed to yeild the desired result. Phew.... There's not much to tell you abt the tail of my name i.e Reddy as I have nothing to complain on it.

After all is said and done I urge you to address me with "Vijay" or "Vijju". After all it's good to have a small name which would make things easier for the people and the person holding the name. Isn't it good to address Ronaldinho as "Ronaldinho" instead of "Ronaldo de Assis Moreira" or Chaminda Vaas as "Chaminda Vaas" instead of "Warnakulasuriya Patabendige Ushantha Joseph Chaminda Vaas". Now don't even try to read the whole name you will be lost before ending it. If at all they are to be addressed with their real names I will definitely demand for a hike in the salaries of Harsha Bhogle and his likes.

So people it's your choice to make whether you want me to be addressed as "Vijay or Vijju" or as "Chenreddy Vijay Kumar Reddy or Chenreddy". The prior one would win you a pleasant and inspiring "Airtel advertisement " and the latter would take you to a disgusting "HDFC Life Insurance advertisement or a Doordarshan Ad". In the end it's your choice...

This is my first post and I feel that I could have made it more effective with the help of emoticons...After all that is the power of Human Expression (courtesy Airtel) :) ....